This is becoming edgier by the day. We still talk everyday, and went out today, it was beautiful we were at a museum, but it kinda became clear to me when he couldn't name cities that start with B in a quiz game - I know it is banal, but it kinda struck... I know he is not the one...
We do bond amazingly and basically talk all day... But I don't know, this relationship I have with new guy is starting to get draining somehow... It is so much for my soul right now... I just haven't been feeling super confident lately and also I have never been in a proper relationship, and he has... This makes me feel somewhat emotionally inferior, and I keep my guard up and I am very hesitant with showing too much affection... When usually I give a bit of seductress, but he makes me all meek and weird...
This whole thing is starting to scare me, I leave and feel emotionally charged and confused. I don't think I love him, but he throws me off balance and makes the rest of my life seem irrelevant, when my studies and my career should be my focus right now... I think of him, and then I also think of his ex, then I think of him again... I think about how if I got closer I'd hang with all the people, the old guy did, and it feeling weird and perverted as fuck...
I don't know how to put it, but having to think about always looking and smelling sexy, making sure we have nice dates, chatting with him - even though everything is going smoothly - also it intimidates me, because it could all go and start fizzling and by that point, I might not want it to... Ugh being single it is so much easier, I can eat whenever, I can wear whatever... I don't have to second think anything...
Then also I steel get the FEELS when I think about old guy... New guy and me are FB friends now, after dating for a few weeks, and I saw a pic of them both looking scrumptiously gorgeous all boo'd up in Milano in his feed, it fucking felt like PUNCH in my gut...
Listening to Radiohead's Creep made me tear up a bit, then Jo's Boy without heart did it to me too, this old guy truly, truly, truly hurt me to the core, like deep down in my heart. Ugh... I want to be calculated and just keep the mess going, but it is already affecting me and making me melancholic when I should be worried and focused about other stuff...
What if we go further and after a few months he goes back to his ex. And they end up together kii kii cackling about me, that would CRUSH me to the core... But then again a small part of me just wants to test the waters and EXPERIENCE something...
However right now, even though new guy is adorable, I feel like just backing out and leaving it alone... Love should be fun right?
