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[Purple Moon]

Haven't done one of these messy & embarassing posts in a while, so here we go.

So i'm going through my regularly scheduled moment of self-doubt, questioning past decisions and what-could-have-beens after an alcohol induced emotional breakdown last night. I don't drink these days (yesterday was an exception) and in alot of ways this incident and the aftermath made it seem like I haven't really made any progress with some of my emotional baggage at all, contrary to what I thought.

Anyways, that's kinda not the story I am here to tell. I had this sort of toxic, posessive, yet sweet and beautiful on and off relationship with this guy years ago. There were definitely alot of issues, which is why it was on and off but it was the only time a guy ever told me that he loves me and looking back I can see how it was a special bond and the passion and chemistry is something I haven't experienced with anyone else ever since.

Without giving too much information, at one point he got sick, lost all his hair etc and tbh I kind of didn't know how to deal with the situation and pulled away. That was in 2017. fast forward to a very low moment for me in 2022, I texted him, he did reply and we exchanged a few words but I immediately felt so embarrassed for trying to revive such an old romance. Also I didn't initiate a meeting, cause I thought he probably feels harassed by me texting him so long after I ghosted him (keep in mind though, this guy basically stalked me for a while after I ghosted him at one point, until I finally let him back in(to my life and house). This was in a way really cute.

Looking back to the 2022 messages, I probably could have kept the conversation going more but at the time I was so sure he wasn't interested anymore (which would be understandable).

Fast forward to my current weak moment, feeling somewhat lonely and asking myself what I'm doing with my life, I am again thinking about this man and wondering if I should give it one final try and possibly initiate a meeting. I know it's probably not good if this is coming from a place of feeling lonely and desparate and maybe it just proves that I'm stuck in a time capsule, unable to emotionally grow and move on to new things - but part of me just wonders what if he still thinks about me too? I just want to be held by him.

Am I a desperate, needy mess or should I give it a try?

[dangerous]

id say it's not fair to yourself or your ex ..

not fair to you to take step backwards. instead of moving forward

and not fair to him to disturb him just to help you get over this hump you're on.

work through this hump you're on. don't rely on anyone else to help you through this.
unless it's a professional

you may need to dig WAY deeper than "i needs me a man" based on what you've written.

no distractions. work through this my luv.
you may have to some tough conversations with yourself. don't run away from them.

emotional reliance on another human being is not progress or a cure.

[dangerous]

if anything  a lil self-improvement journey could help you tremendously in my humble opinion

focus on your "level up". i know you mentioned you find yourself wondering about your life
what is it that you'd like to see better in YOUR life?

what do YOU value?

get to work on that. be selfishly, completely and unapolgetically  into YOURSELF.

completely submerged in yourself and small, attainable goals you've set for yourself that could lead to bigger goals.

if you feel stagnant, start accomplishing shit for yourself bitch.

lil victories or big....its a victory either way. work towards some victories for you.

love u boo

[ophababes.]

Haven't done one of these messy & embarassing posts in a while, so here we go.

u just posted that brandy ai art the other day hun

cxvv joking!

a couple things here. i noticed it seemed (and correct me if i'm wrong) ur only thinking of this man and the past relationship when youve been drinking and in a bad way? if so, that might be something to consider. could the alcohol be exacerbating feelings of lonliness that then cause you to romanticize a time when you felt that connection? and i say romanticize  because you also described the relationship as toxic and possessive with a lot if issues. something to think about.

i also noted that you said this was the first time a guy ever told you he loved you. was this your first love? in any event, sometimes after that first love or "i love you" people feel like they'll never feel that way or receive that love again so they cling to what they have, even if it isn't healthy. but you'll find it again.

you also ghosted him in it seems like a time of need. i understand how it might have been hard for you to deal with but you also have to think about if there might be some lingering resentment over that. also, you self-acknowledge that you have emotional baggage, so dragging that back to him won't make it any lighter. and him stalking you gives a touch of crazy.

final thoughts: do what you want to do. if you feel like you'll regret not giving it one last go then reach out. the worst he can say is no. BUT before you do, think about this. really think about the relationship you guys had. not only the good but also the bad as well. and then ask yourself is that's really what you miss in it's TOTALITY (good and bad) or if you're just feeling lonely?

(ps. is he still sick? what he have? and when you said you let him in your house, was he living with you? and did his hair grow back? girl don't skimp on the details)

[makeme]

If you ghosted him, you technically dumped him. Which means you decided that this wasn't the person for you. Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe not. Maybe you're lonely. In order to move on, you have to want to. In order to be happy, you have to choose to. The answer to life is learning to live.

I say, wait a couple of days. Let the booze completely leave your system and, with a clear head, ask yourself a couple of questions. Do I love this man? Do I love him enough to let him go? What did I learn about myself? What did I learn about life? What do I want my life to look like, moving forward? What are my dreams for the future?

There are no wrong answers. Fall down on your knees and pray. Talk to God. God will guide you to exactly where you need to be, even back into his arms.  Walk by faith. One step at a time. One day at a time. You'll figure it out.

[Purple Moon]

id say it's not fair to yourself or your ex ..

not fair to you to take step backwards. instead of moving forward

and not fair to him to disturb him just to help you get over this hump you're on.

work through this hump you're on. don't rely on anyone else to help you through this.
unless it's a professional

you may need to dig WAY deeper than "i needs me a man" based on what you've written.

no distractions. work through this my luv.
you may have to some tough conversations with yourself. don't run away from them.

emotional reliance on another human being is not progress or a cure.

Hey love, thanks so much. I am definitely having a new outlook on this with a few days passed and me not being in this deep hole anymore. I do see how it's kind of not fair to him and me aswell to sort of ,,use" him in this way. I care about him, but maybe this was really more about me looking for validation through the idea of having someone.

[Purple Moon]

if anything  a lil self-improvement journey could help you tremendously in my humble opinion

focus on your "level up". i know you mentioned you find yourself wondering about your life
what is it that you'd like to see better in YOUR life?

what do YOU value?

get to work on that. be selfishly, completely and unapolgetically  into YOURSELF.

completely submerged in yourself and small, attainable goals you've set for yourself that could lead to bigger goals.

if you feel stagnant, start accomplishing shit for yourself bitch.

lil victories or big....its a victory either way. work towards some victories for you.

love u boo

Thnx luv.

I started going to the gym again. I look cute but i really needed that again for feeling good about myself and to feel present in my body. Hope to keep this up.

Am I still allowed to have meaningless hookups though? It's summer, i'm horny af, but I also know I am using it as a form of validation aswell. So not sure of I should be celibate for a while.

[Purple Moon]

Haven't done one of these messy & embarassing posts in a while, so here we go.

u just posted that brandy ai art the other day hun

cxvv joking!

a couple things here. i noticed it seemed (and correct me if i'm wrong) ur only thinking of this man and the past relationship when youve been drinking and in a bad way? if so, that might be something to consider. could the alcohol be exacerbating feelings of lonliness that then cause you to romanticize a time when you felt that connection? and i say romanticize  because you also described the relationship as toxic and possessive with a lot if issues. something to think about.

i also noted that you said this was the first time a guy ever told you he loved you. was this your first love? in any event, sometimes after that first love or "i love you" people feel like they'll never feel that way or receive that love again so they cling to what they have, even if it isn't healthy. but you'll find it again.

you also ghosted him in it seems like a time of need. i understand how it might have been hard for you to deal with but you also have to think about if there might be some lingering resentment over that. also, you self-acknowledge that you have emotional baggage, so dragging that back to him won't make it any lighter. and him stalking you gives a touch of crazy.

final thoughts: do what you want to do. if you feel like you'll regret not giving it one last go then reach out. the worst he can say is no. BUT before you do, think about this. really think about the relationship you guys had. not only the good but also the bad as well. and then ask yourself is that's really what you miss in it's TOTALITY (good and bad) or if you're just feeling lonely?

(ps. is he still sick? what he have? and when you said you let him in your house, was he living with you? and did his hair grow back? girl don't skimp on the details)

Hey luv thanks for taking the time to give your input. Lemme reply to what u said:

- i definitely feel like i am romanticising the relationship i had with him. He was living with his family at the time and he had to hide our relationship. He couldn't even stay the night/ sleep over at mine so for me it was clear after a while that this was not going to work if he can't even do that. However the bond was still strong so that's why it was on and off, even if i knew it had no future (at the time) because he couldnt give me what i needed. That could have changed by now so i'm kinda curious...

- he was one of two guys i've been emotionally invested in and seriously dated over a longer period of time. Even if he wasnt my boyfriend. Maybe i was in love, im not sure. In any way he was the last one i was seriously dating and thats long ago...had like 2 or 3 guys that i could've imagined getting to know more but only had a couple of dates max with them. So yes, i do wonder if that was a unique opportunity i wasted.

I guess I could find more suitable partners if i put myself out there more but i shut down for a long time after being disappointed/ heartbroken, so i mostly stopped beliving in something real and stick to quick hookups when in reality i just want someone who loves me and who i can share my love with aswell. I'm kind of a romantic i guess.

- about his sickness: he didnt know what it was at the time, it seemed to be some mysterious auto immune disease. Thats what was so fucked up, that he literally didnt know what it was and how to treat it, all he knew was that literally all his hairs were falling out on his head, face and body. Of course he looked super different cause i knew him as this handsome dark haired and light beard wearing arab guy. He was still cute af and that smile! But it was just odd, i didn't know how to deal. I guess part of me was scared he'd die and i selfishly wanted to protect myself from having a dying boyfriend? I feel pretty shitty about it still. No idea if it ever grew back, when i wrote him in 2022 i didnt see a profile pic on his whatsapp.

[dangerous]

if anything  a lil self-improvement journey could help you tremendously in my humble opinion

focus on your "level up". i know you mentioned you find yourself wondering about your life
what is it that you'd like to see better in YOUR life?

what do YOU value?

get to work on that. be selfishly, completely and unapolgetically  into YOURSELF.

completely submerged in yourself and small, attainable goals you've set for yourself that could lead to bigger goals.

if you feel stagnant, start accomplishing shit for yourself bitch.

lil victories or big....its a victory either way. work towards some victories for you.

love u boo

Thnx luv.

I started going to the gym again. I look cute but i really needed that again for feeling good about myself and to feel present in my body. Hope to keep this up.

Am I still allowed to have meaningless hookups though? It's summer, i'm horny af, but I also know I am using it as a form of validation aswell. So not sure of I should be celibate for a while.

id say human beings needing some form of external validation is normal

for example: a guy who you like, and who likes you...telling you how beautiful and sexy you are. who doesn't like that?
these are things we love to hear.

but what u were thinking of doing with your ex previously was way too far though.
im glad u pulled back from it

i say have your fun, as long as it's safe and as long as you're mindful of not being too emotionally reliant on others - especially as you work on yourself and continue to dig yourself out of this hole.

the moment you find yourself becoming attached or feeling like you're becoming reliant in some way...pull back and reevaluate.

gather yourself. pull yourself together.

constantly check in with yourself to make sure you're on track and keeping any promise you made to yourself.
hold yourself accountable. don't go easy on yourself when you slip up or slide back a bit.

remain in control as much as possible and stay focused.
u got this boo! rooting for u

[Purple Moon]

if anything  a lil self-improvement journey could help you tremendously in my humble opinion

focus on your "level up". i know you mentioned you find yourself wondering about your life
what is it that you'd like to see better in YOUR life?

what do YOU value?

get to work on that. be selfishly, completely and unapolgetically  into YOURSELF.

completely submerged in yourself and small, attainable goals you've set for yourself that could lead to bigger goals.

if you feel stagnant, start accomplishing shit for yourself bitch.

lil victories or big....its a victory either way. work towards some victories for you.

love u boo

Thnx luv.

I started going to the gym again. I look cute but i really needed that again for feeling good about myself and to feel present in my body. Hope to keep this up.

Am I still allowed to have meaningless hookups though? It's summer, i'm horny af, but I also know I am using it as a form of validation aswell. So not sure of I should be celibate for a while.

id say human beings needing some form of external validation is normal

for example: a guy who you like, and who likes you...telling you how beautiful and sexy you are. who doesn't like that?
these are things we love to hear.

but what u were thinking of doing with your ex previously was way too far though.
im glad u pulled back from it

i say have your fun, as long as it's safe and as long as you're mindful of not being too emotionally reliant on others - especially as you work on yourself and continue to dig yourself out of this hole.

the moment you find yourself becoming attached or feeling like you're becoming reliant in some way...pull back and reevaluate.

gather yourself. pull yourself together.

constantly check in with yourself to make sure you're on track and keeping any promise you made to yourself.
hold yourself accountable. don't go easy on yourself when you slip up or slide back a bit.

remain in control as much as possible and stay focused.
u got this boo! rooting for u

thank you so much! You know these days i feel like alot of times when i speak to some friends, they always say ,,be gentle to yourself", ,,dont be too harsh on yourself", ,,youre doing the best that you can", but sometimes we need the opposite! So yes im trying to keep myself in line like you said, else nothing will change.

Also i feel like i should still put myself out there in a non desparate way, i believe it's also not helpful to only start dating when youre done working on yourself. I think its possible to do both simultaneously to a degree and ive had the mindset for way too long that ill not to do certain things until i'm ,,perfect".

So i'm gonna implement some new activities, like yoga and maybe a dance class or something aside from my gym routine, just to meet new people while trying something new. Also would really like to have a queer/ ghey group of friends to go out with every now and then.

Why am i feeling excited about life again all of the sudden? 

[dangerous]

if anything  a lil self-improvement journey could help you tremendously in my humble opinion

focus on your "level up". i know you mentioned you find yourself wondering about your life
what is it that you'd like to see better in YOUR life?

what do YOU value?

get to work on that. be selfishly, completely and unapolgetically  into YOURSELF.

completely submerged in yourself and small, attainable goals you've set for yourself that could lead to bigger goals.

if you feel stagnant, start accomplishing shit for yourself bitch.

lil victories or big....its a victory either way. work towards some victories for you.

love u boo

Thnx luv.

I started going to the gym again. I look cute but i really needed that again for feeling good about myself and to feel present in my body. Hope to keep this up.

Am I still allowed to have meaningless hookups though? It's summer, i'm horny af, but I also know I am using it as a form of validation aswell. So not sure of I should be celibate for a while.

id say human beings needing some form of external validation is normal

for example: a guy who you like, and who likes you...telling you how beautiful and sexy you are. who doesn't like that?
these are things we love to hear.

but what u were thinking of doing with your ex previously was way too far though.
im glad u pulled back from it

i say have your fun, as long as it's safe and as long as you're mindful of not being too emotionally reliant on others - especially as you work on yourself and continue to dig yourself out of this hole.

the moment you find yourself becoming attached or feeling like you're becoming reliant in some way...pull back and reevaluate.

gather yourself. pull yourself together.

constantly check in with yourself to make sure you're on track and keeping any promise you made to yourself.
hold yourself accountable. don't go easy on yourself when you slip up or slide back a bit.

remain in control as much as possible and stay focused.
u got this boo! rooting for u

thank you so much! You know these days i feel like alot of times when i speak to some friends, they always say ,,be gentle to yourself", ,,dont be too harsh on yourself", ,,youre doing the best that you can", but sometimes we need the opposite! So yes im trying to keep myself in line like you said, else nothing will change.

Also i feel like i should still put myself out there in a non desparate way, i believe it's also not helpful to only start dating when youre done working on yourself. I think its possible to do both simultaneously to a degree and ive had the mindset for way too long that ill not to do certain things until i'm ,,perfect".

So i'm gonna implement some new activities, like yoga and maybe a dance class or something aside from my gym routine, just to meet new people while trying something new. Also would really like to have a queer/ ghey group of friends to go out with every now and then.

Why am i feeling excited about life again all of the sudden? 

yeah good self improvement can take years.

also, many great self improvement plans or goals dont have an "end point" unless it's something strictly timed - like getting a certificate for something, etc.

but in terms of maintaining fitness, mental health, etc. this is work that is constantly ongoing if one is serious about it.

so i'd def say of course meet and interact with people. u may learn even more about yourself as you do that. no need to give a "imma wait til im finished" tea.

and im sure your friends meant well and they didn't wanna see you beating yourself up in the moment. but sometimes yes we do need to kick ourselves in the ass and hold ourselves accountable.

coddling doesn't yield results. but at the same time, your friends weren't totally off....give yourself grace as well.

dont spend TOO much time lashing yourself. spend some time also letting yourself know that you got this,  you can do anything you put your mind to.

it's not excusing yourself from the promises youve made to yourself, or coddling yourself, but instead it's motivation - especially in moments where you slipped up.

[Purple Moon]

if anything  a lil self-improvement journey could help you tremendously in my humble opinion

focus on your "level up". i know you mentioned you find yourself wondering about your life
what is it that you'd like to see better in YOUR life?

what do YOU value?

get to work on that. be selfishly, completely and unapolgetically  into YOURSELF.

completely submerged in yourself and small, attainable goals you've set for yourself that could lead to bigger goals.

if you feel stagnant, start accomplishing shit for yourself bitch.

lil victories or big....its a victory either way. work towards some victories for you.

love u boo

Thnx luv.

I started going to the gym again. I look cute but i really needed that again for feeling good about myself and to feel present in my body. Hope to keep this up.

Am I still allowed to have meaningless hookups though? It's summer, i'm horny af, but I also know I am using it as a form of validation aswell. So not sure of I should be celibate for a while.

id say human beings needing some form of external validation is normal

for example: a guy who you like, and who likes you...telling you how beautiful and sexy you are. who doesn't like that?
these are things we love to hear.

but what u were thinking of doing with your ex previously was way too far though.
im glad u pulled back from it

i say have your fun, as long as it's safe and as long as you're mindful of not being too emotionally reliant on others - especially as you work on yourself and continue to dig yourself out of this hole.

the moment you find yourself becoming attached or feeling like you're becoming reliant in some way...pull back and reevaluate.

gather yourself. pull yourself together.

constantly check in with yourself to make sure you're on track and keeping any promise you made to yourself.
hold yourself accountable. don't go easy on yourself when you slip up or slide back a bit.

remain in control as much as possible and stay focused.
u got this boo! rooting for u

thank you so much! You know these days i feel like alot of times when i speak to some friends, they always say ,,be gentle to yourself", ,,dont be too harsh on yourself", ,,youre doing the best that you can", but sometimes we need the opposite! So yes im trying to keep myself in line like you said, else nothing will change.

Also i feel like i should still put myself out there in a non desparate way, i believe it's also not helpful to only start dating when youre done working on yourself. I think its possible to do both simultaneously to a degree and ive had the mindset for way too long that ill not to do certain things until i'm ,,perfect".

So i'm gonna implement some new activities, like yoga and maybe a dance class or something aside from my gym routine, just to meet new people while trying something new. Also would really like to have a queer/ ghey group of friends to go out with every now and then.

Why am i feeling excited about life again all of the sudden? 

yeah good self improvement can take years.

also, many great self improvement plans or goals dont have an "end point" unless it's something strictly timed - like getting a certificate for something, etc.

but in terms of maintaining fitness, mental health, etc. this is work that is constantly ongoing if one is serious about it.

so i'd def say of course meet and interact with people. u may learn even more about yourself as you do that. no need to give a "imma wait til im finished" tea.

and im sure your friends meant well and they didn't wanna see you beating yourself up in the moment. but sometimes yes we do need to kick ourselves in the ass and hold ourselves accountable.

coddling doesn't yield results. but at the same time, your friends weren't totally off....give yourself grace as well.

dont spend TOO much time lashing yourself. spend some time also letting yourself know that you got this,  you can do anything you put your mind to.

it's not excusing yourself from the promises youve made to yourself, or coddling yourself, but instead it's motivation - especially in moments where you slipped up.

you are really motivating me, thank you for your words and for providing your perspective! Much love

[dangerous]

if anything  a lil self-improvement journey could help you tremendously in my humble opinion

focus on your "level up". i know you mentioned you find yourself wondering about your life
what is it that you'd like to see better in YOUR life?

what do YOU value?

get to work on that. be selfishly, completely and unapolgetically  into YOURSELF.

completely submerged in yourself and small, attainable goals you've set for yourself that could lead to bigger goals.

if you feel stagnant, start accomplishing shit for yourself bitch.

lil victories or big....its a victory either way. work towards some victories for you.

love u boo

Thnx luv.

I started going to the gym again. I look cute but i really needed that again for feeling good about myself and to feel present in my body. Hope to keep this up.

Am I still allowed to have meaningless hookups though? It's summer, i'm horny af, but I also know I am using it as a form of validation aswell. So not sure of I should be celibate for a while.

id say human beings needing some form of external validation is normal

for example: a guy who you like, and who likes you...telling you how beautiful and sexy you are. who doesn't like that?
these are things we love to hear.

but what u were thinking of doing with your ex previously was way too far though.
im glad u pulled back from it

i say have your fun, as long as it's safe and as long as you're mindful of not being too emotionally reliant on others - especially as you work on yourself and continue to dig yourself out of this hole.

the moment you find yourself becoming attached or feeling like you're becoming reliant in some way...pull back and reevaluate.

gather yourself. pull yourself together.

constantly check in with yourself to make sure you're on track and keeping any promise you made to yourself.
hold yourself accountable. don't go easy on yourself when you slip up or slide back a bit.

remain in control as much as possible and stay focused.
u got this boo! rooting for u

thank you so much! You know these days i feel like alot of times when i speak to some friends, they always say ,,be gentle to yourself", ,,dont be too harsh on yourself", ,,youre doing the best that you can", but sometimes we need the opposite! So yes im trying to keep myself in line like you said, else nothing will change.

Also i feel like i should still put myself out there in a non desparate way, i believe it's also not helpful to only start dating when youre done working on yourself. I think its possible to do both simultaneously to a degree and ive had the mindset for way too long that ill not to do certain things until i'm ,,perfect".

So i'm gonna implement some new activities, like yoga and maybe a dance class or something aside from my gym routine, just to meet new people while trying something new. Also would really like to have a queer/ ghey group of friends to go out with every now and then.

Why am i feeling excited about life again all of the sudden? 

yeah good self improvement can take years.

also, many great self improvement plans or goals dont have an "end point" unless it's something strictly timed - like getting a certificate for something, etc.

but in terms of maintaining fitness, mental health, etc. this is work that is constantly ongoing if one is serious about it.

so i'd def say of course meet and interact with people. u may learn even more about yourself as you do that. no need to give a "imma wait til im finished" tea.

and im sure your friends meant well and they didn't wanna see you beating yourself up in the moment. but sometimes yes we do need to kick ourselves in the ass and hold ourselves accountable.

coddling doesn't yield results. but at the same time, your friends weren't totally off....give yourself grace as well.

dont spend TOO much time lashing yourself. spend some time also letting yourself know that you got this,  you can do anything you put your mind to.

it's not excusing yourself from the promises youve made to yourself, or coddling yourself, but instead it's motivation - especially in moments where you slipped up.

you are really motivating me, thank you for your words and for providing your perspective! Much love

love u too boo rootin for u!

[Purple Moon]

if anything  a lil self-improvement journey could help you tremendously in my humble opinion

focus on your "level up". i know you mentioned you find yourself wondering about your life
what is it that you'd like to see better in YOUR life?

what do YOU value?

get to work on that. be selfishly, completely and unapolgetically  into YOURSELF.

completely submerged in yourself and small, attainable goals you've set for yourself that could lead to bigger goals.

if you feel stagnant, start accomplishing shit for yourself bitch.

lil victories or big....its a victory either way. work towards some victories for you.

love u boo

Thnx luv.

I started going to the gym again. I look cute but i really needed that again for feeling good about myself and to feel present in my body. Hope to keep this up.

Am I still allowed to have meaningless hookups though? It's summer, i'm horny af, but I also know I am using it as a form of validation aswell. So not sure of I should be celibate for a while.

id say human beings needing some form of external validation is normal

for example: a guy who you like, and who likes you...telling you how beautiful and sexy you are. who doesn't like that?
these are things we love to hear.

but what u were thinking of doing with your ex previously was way too far though.
im glad u pulled back from it

i say have your fun, as long as it's safe and as long as you're mindful of not being too emotionally reliant on others - especially as you work on yourself and continue to dig yourself out of this hole.

the moment you find yourself becoming attached or feeling like you're becoming reliant in some way...pull back and reevaluate.

gather yourself. pull yourself together.

constantly check in with yourself to make sure you're on track and keeping any promise you made to yourself.
hold yourself accountable. don't go easy on yourself when you slip up or slide back a bit.

remain in control as much as possible and stay focused.
u got this boo! rooting for u

thank you so much! You know these days i feel like alot of times when i speak to some friends, they always say ,,be gentle to yourself", ,,dont be too harsh on yourself", ,,youre doing the best that you can", but sometimes we need the opposite! So yes im trying to keep myself in line like you said, else nothing will change.

Also i feel like i should still put myself out there in a non desparate way, i believe it's also not helpful to only start dating when youre done working on yourself. I think its possible to do both simultaneously to a degree and ive had the mindset for way too long that ill not to do certain things until i'm ,,perfect".

So i'm gonna implement some new activities, like yoga and maybe a dance class or something aside from my gym routine, just to meet new people while trying something new. Also would really like to have a queer/ ghey group of friends to go out with every now and then.

Why am i feeling excited about life again all of the sudden? 

yeah good self improvement can take years.

also, many great self improvement plans or goals dont have an "end point" unless it's something strictly timed - like getting a certificate for something, etc.

but in terms of maintaining fitness, mental health, etc. this is work that is constantly ongoing if one is serious about it.

so i'd def say of course meet and interact with people. u may learn even more about yourself as you do that. no need to give a "imma wait til im finished" tea.

and im sure your friends meant well and they didn't wanna see you beating yourself up in the moment. but sometimes yes we do need to kick ourselves in the ass and hold ourselves accountable.

coddling doesn't yield results. but at the same time, your friends weren't totally off....give yourself grace as well.

dont spend TOO much time lashing yourself. spend some time also letting yourself know that you got this,  you can do anything you put your mind to.

it's not excusing yourself from the promises youve made to yourself, or coddling yourself, but instead it's motivation - especially in moments where you slipped up.

you are really motivating me, thank you for your words and for providing your perspective! Much love

love u too boo rootin for u!

[ophababes.]

Haven't done one of these messy & embarassing posts in a while, so here we go.

u just posted that brandy ai art the other day hun

cxvv joking!

a couple things here. i noticed it seemed (and correct me if i'm wrong) ur only thinking of this man and the past relationship when youve been drinking and in a bad way? if so, that might be something to consider. could the alcohol be exacerbating feelings of lonliness that then cause you to romanticize a time when you felt that connection? and i say romanticize  because you also described the relationship as toxic and possessive with a lot if issues. something to think about.

i also noted that you said this was the first time a guy ever told you he loved you. was this your first love? in any event, sometimes after that first love or "i love you" people feel like they'll never feel that way or receive that love again so they cling to what they have, even if it isn't healthy. but you'll find it again.

you also ghosted him in it seems like a time of need. i understand how it might have been hard for you to deal with but you also have to think about if there might be some lingering resentment over that. also, you self-acknowledge that you have emotional baggage, so dragging that back to him won't make it any lighter. and him stalking you gives a touch of crazy.

final thoughts: do what you want to do. if you feel like you'll regret not giving it one last go then reach out. the worst he can say is no. BUT before you do, think about this. really think about the relationship you guys had. not only the good but also the bad as well. and then ask yourself is that's really what you miss in it's TOTALITY (good and bad) or if you're just feeling lonely?

(ps. is he still sick? what he have? and when you said you let him in your house, was he living with you? and did his hair grow back? girl don't skimp on the details)

Hey luv thanks for taking the time to give your input. Lemme reply to what u said:

- i definitely feel like i am romanticising the relationship i had with him. He was living with his family at the time and he had to hide our relationship. He couldn't even stay the night/ sleep over at mine so for me it was clear after a while that this was not going to work if he can't even do that. However the bond was still strong so that's why it was on and off, even if i knew it had no future (at the time) because he couldnt give me what i needed. That could have changed by now so i'm kinda curious...

- he was one of two guys i've been emotionally invested in and seriously dated over a longer period of time. Even if he wasnt my boyfriend. Maybe i was in love, im not sure. In any way he was the last one i was seriously dating and thats long ago...had like 2 or 3 guys that i could've imagined getting to know more but only had a couple of dates max with them. So yes, i do wonder if that was a unique opportunity i wasted.

I guess I could find more suitable partners if i put myself out there more but i shut down for a long time after being disappointed/ heartbroken, so i mostly stopped beliving in something real and stick to quick hookups when in reality i just want someone who loves me and who i can share my love with aswell. I'm kind of a romantic i guess.

- about his sickness: he didnt know what it was at the time, it seemed to be some mysterious auto immune disease. Thats what was so fucked up, that he literally didnt know what it was and how to treat it, all he knew was that literally all his hairs were falling out on his head, face and body. Of course he looked super different cause i knew him as this handsome dark haired and light beard wearing arab guy. He was still cute af and that smile! But it was just odd, i didn't know how to deal. I guess part of me was scared he'd die and i selfishly wanted to protect myself from having a dying boyfriend? I feel pretty shitty about it still. No idea if it ever grew back, when i wrote him in 2022 i didnt see a profile pic on his whatsapp.

oh you haven't SEEN him? video chat first or something. IF you do decide tonreach out to him, the last thing you wanna do is set romantic expectations, see him, then end up leaving him AGAIN