I really thought that once I came out to my mother --and everyone else important to me-- that just being myself around strangers would be a breeze.
Didn't think that it would take me so fuckin long to rediscover who I really am, to bask in it, and be unabashed about it. After quitting my previous job with the crackers, I was afforded the opportunity to work with all Black & Brown folks and boy oh boy has it been just as fuckin terrible.
Im like one of the few Black men here, im the only fag (minus this fake DL nigga), and im the youngest. Most of our patients are Black and Brown folks on the south side of Chicago.
I started getting triggered with every look, snicker, questioning if I was or wasn't, and every lil microagression aiming to make a judgement. I found myself inadvertently dimming my "gay" down. I wore my clothes a little bigger, I let little shit slide, I didn't try to create more space for other Black queer men outside of my office, and I didn't contribute to discussions when I knew ppl could have benefited from them.
Yes, I know survival in certain environments requires that but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in myself. I thought I was completely out and open but I still allowed some fuckin nobodies to affect me to the point of regression.
Update: Now Im working to undo this feeling.