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[Purple Moon]

Haven't done one of these messy & embarassing posts in a while, so here we go.

So i'm going through my regularly scheduled moment of self-doubt, questioning past decisions and what-could-have-beens after an alcohol induced emotional breakdown last night. I don't drink these days (yesterday was an exception) and in alot of ways this incident and the aftermath made it seem like I haven't really made any progress with some of my emotional baggage at all, contrary to what I thought.

Anyways, that's kinda not the story I am here to tell. I had this sort of toxic, posessive, yet sweet and beautiful on and off relationship with this guy years ago. There were definitely alot of issues, which is why it was on and off but it was the only time a guy ever told me that he loves me and looking back I can see how it was a special bond and the passion and chemistry is something I haven't experienced with anyone else ever since.

Without giving too much information, at one point he got sick, lost all his hair etc and tbh I kind of didn't know how to deal with the situation and pulled away. That was in 2017. fast forward to a very low moment for me in 2022, I texted him, he did reply and we exchanged a few words but I immediately felt so embarrassed for trying to revive such an old romance. Also I didn't initiate a meeting, cause I thought he probably feels harassed by me texting him so long after I ghosted him (keep in mind though, this guy basically stalked me for a while after I ghosted him at one point, until I finally let him back in(to my life and house). This was in a way really cute.

Looking back to the 2022 messages, I probably could have kept the conversation going more but at the time I was so sure he wasn't interested anymore (which would be understandable).

Fast forward to my current weak moment, feeling somewhat lonely and asking myself what I'm doing with my life, I am again thinking about this man and wondering if I should give it one final try and possibly initiate a meeting. I know it's probably not good if this is coming from a place of feeling lonely and desparate and maybe it just proves that I'm stuck in a time capsule, unable to emotionally grow and move on to new things - but part of me just wonders what if he still thinks about me too? I just want to be held by him.

Am I a desperate, needy mess or should I give it a try?

[daydream]

id say it's not fair to yourself or your ex ..

not fair to you to take step backwards. instead of moving forward

and not fair to him to disturb him just to help you get over this hump you're on.

work through this hump you're on. don't rely on anyone else to help you through this.
unless it's a professional

you may need to dig WAY deeper than "i needs me a man" based on what you've written.

no distractions. work through this my luv.
you may have to some tough conversations with yourself. don't run away from them.

emotional reliance on another human being is not progress or a cure.

[daydream]

if anything  a lil self-improvement journey could help you tremendously in my humble opinion

focus on your "level up". i know you mentioned you find yourself wondering about your life
what is it that you'd like to see better in YOUR life?

what do YOU value?

get to work on that. be selfishly, completely and unapolgetically  into YOURSELF.

completely submerged in yourself and small, attainable goals you've set for yourself that could lead to bigger goals.

if you feel stagnant, start accomplishing shit for yourself bitch.

lil victories or big....its a victory either way. work towards some victories for you.

love u boo

[ophababes.]

Haven't done one of these messy & embarassing posts in a while, so here we go.

u just posted that brandy ai art the other day hun

cxvv joking!

a couple things here. i noticed it seemed (and correct me if i'm wrong) ur only thinking of this man and the past relationship when youve been drinking and in a bad way? if so, that might be something to consider. could the alcohol be exacerbating feelings of lonliness that then cause you to romanticize a time when you felt that connection? and i say romanticize  because you also described the relationship as toxic and possessive with a lot if issues. something to think about.

i also noted that you said this was the first time a guy ever told you he loved you. was this your first love? in any event, sometimes after that first love or "i love you" people feel like they'll never feel that way or receive that love again so they cling to what they have, even if it isn't healthy. but you'll find it again.

you also ghosted him in it seems like a time of need. i understand how it might have been hard for you to deal with but you also have to think about if there might be some lingering resentment over that. also, you self-acknowledge that you have emotional baggage, so dragging that back to him won't make it any lighter. and him stalking you gives a touch of crazy.

final thoughts: do what you want to do. if you feel like you'll regret not giving it one last go then reach out. the worst he can say is no. BUT before you do, think about this. really think about the relationship you guys had. not only the good but also the bad as well. and then ask yourself is that's really what you miss in it's TOTALITY (good and bad) or if you're just feeling lonely?

(ps. is he still sick? what he have? and when you said you let him in your house, was he living with you? and did his hair grow back? girl don't skimp on the details)

[makeme]

If you ghosted him, you technically dumped him. Which means you decided that this wasn't the person for you. Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe not. Maybe you're lonely. In order to move on, you have to want to. In order to be happy, you have to choose to. The answer to life is learning to live.

I say, wait a couple of days. Let the booze completely leave your system and, with a clear head, ask yourself a couple of questions. Do I love this man? Do I love him enough to let him go? What did I learn about myself? What did I learn about life? What do I want my life to look like, moving forward? What are my dreams for the future?

There are no wrong answers. Fall down on your knees and pray. Talk to God. God will guide you to exactly where you need to be, even back into his arms.  Walk by faith. One step at a time. One day at a time. You'll figure it out.